good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
