I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
