Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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