I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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