No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
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