Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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