Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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