4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
