The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
