there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
