My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize