I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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