can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
