So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We need to get me chipped asap
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
