You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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