I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
