Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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