Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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