Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
