my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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