I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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