I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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