6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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