I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
