just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
