Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
