Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
