dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
