My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
