Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
