My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
