Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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