my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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