What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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