I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
