Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize