I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
