I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
