Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
