I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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