Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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