Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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