does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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