If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
