When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
