The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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