Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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