Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
