Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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