I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
