She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Mom said you looked used
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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