My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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