I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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