took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
