i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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