Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
