You can't motorboat a personality
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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