just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
