I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
