That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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