there's paper in my vomit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
