never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
