i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
