it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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