It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
